I can smell the pumpkin spice already…

Too soon?

Be thankful you still have 2 months before Scorpio szn starts because I have a whole slew of word vomit on that one.

I think it is my duty to defend why Fall is the best season out there so buckle up because this one is about to get a little spicy…

Reasons why Fall is the bomb DOT com:

• Basic bitch outfits
• Pumpkin spice errrrrrrything
• Perfect weather
• The best holidays

Need I say more? Because I will… Ok, I will.

The Basics

I’m not one to wear crop tops and shorts up my ass because I’m chunky but more power to those who can. For the other 90% of the world, comfort is key. Fall eases you in to the comfy clothes. It starts off with t-shirt and jeans then, pretty quickly, the open cardi. Before you know it you have full on sweatshirt, scarf, beanie, leggings (because basic bitches ain’t practical), and Uggs. This is my outfit for an entire 3 months, day or night. It’s great because you don’t have to shower and homeless-chic is IN, girl, yaasss. The scarf also doubles as a blind-fold in case you’re into some freaky shit, like that fantasy you always had about a man with a decent amount of facial hair and tattoos who kidnaps you at a bar, shoves you in his trunk, and takes you back to his sex dungeon so he can literally rip your nipples off with clamps, but I am not here to judge because we’ve all done it…no? just me? In all seriousness, there is nothing better than being comfortable and that is why Fall wardrobe (or basic bitch uniform) is the big warm hug I love.

PSL

Men, boys, bros. DON’T ACT LIKE YOU AIN’T LOVE YOU SOME PUNKIN SPICE. The pumpkin spice latte to Fall is the White Claw to Summer (although at this rate, Starbucks and Dunkin’ are going to make pumpkin spice lattes be the White Claw to Summer). In true Spiceful Life form, the PSL is my favorite drink and you can get yours 8/21 at Dunkin’ and 8/27 at the ‘bucks. But why the craze? Just like the smell of fresh-baked cookies reminds someone of their grandma’s house, or black cherry tobacco is reminiscent of Grandpa smoking a pipe, weed and sweaty gym socks of their first boyfriend’s Honda Civic, pumpkin spice reminds us bitches of the best time of year. I MEAN IT IS LITERALLY DRINKING HOT PUMPKIN PIE AND COFFEE. Also, who doesn’t love walking into a house that smells like spice anything? WHO?! You know what, I don’t need to explain what y’all already know because I see you, Mike, drinking that PSL. Spice up your life – vote Pumpkin Spice for Fall.

Mother Nature

YOU GO GIRL because that clean, crisp, slightly chilly air floats my boat. In Summer, you walk outside and are instantly suffocated by Mother Nature’s armpit and need a shower before you leave your porch while getting instantaneous sunburn. In Winter, your skin is dry, your hair full of static, your nose runny and no matter what you wear you will freeze to death outside and sweat through your third pair of underwear inside. In Spring, well, it’s a good thing pollen is green with all that snot flying through the air. Fall is the only season that you don’t have to bathe in petroleum jelly and can sleep with the windows open and the hall fan on. And the bonfires!!! Whoever decided advertising bonfires and s’mores in Summer was psychotic. I don’t want to sit outside in Satan’s anus while melting something over a fire. All I can say is I am going through my deodorant and electricity bill rapid fire this Summer so if we can fast forward to the beautiful street decor of dying trees, I’d appreciate it.

Candy, birthday cake and mashed potatoes

These are the delicacies of my three favorite holidays: Halloween, my birthday and Thanksgiving. Now, Summer, I will give it to you that it makes more sense for me to wear a slutty kitten costume with my ass and tits hanging out when its warm, but don’t we all like to suffer just a little? Jokes on you though because I will forever find a costume in which I can wear footie pajamas. Growing up, I was not much of a fan of Halloween but now I no longer have to sleep with a night light and the TV on. Now I’m like, “bring it on season 2 of The Haunting of Hill House because your first season didn’t scare the crap out of me like I expected, mmkayyy.” Then, the VERY NEXT WEEKEND, is my birthday – the day the world was upgraded when my fine ass was spanked alive. If I am being honest, my birthday isn’t one of my favorite holidays, but who doesn’t love a day where their social media notifications skyrocket? Also, having divorced parents really ups the gift count 😉 But then there is Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. The day before Left Over Day. I could literally eat a whole pot of mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving and be the happiest clam in the world. But what is really the best is the next day when we get to make the Moist Maker (for all my Friends nerds out there). I never like my food touching but on Black Friday I want all of the garbage smashed onto bread. I’m starting to understand why I fall into the 10% that can’t wear crop-tops and hot-pants.

If I haven’t buttered your biscuit and tickled your fancy for Fall, you’re a cold, dead Turkey. That’s all for now. Keep it spicy.

Oh. And E-A-G-L-E-S… you know the rest.