Mom, my dear, only follower, this is your one chance to stop reading if you don’t want to know ~certain things~ about your daughter. But enter at your own risk, if you wish.
Ya’ll… I have to tell you about something that just happened to me this week. I had a Tinder bro call ME a psychopath and that I only was talking to him for my social media. So, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR because you got it, bub – you are the first Tinder fiasco that made it on my blog. Congrats!
About two months ago, I had a sexual awakening. I am in my late 20’s and I realized that in order for me to know what I want in life, I have to get out there and experience it – be it engaged men (oops), short men, tall men, ~small~ men, or genuine serial killers. And you know, guys can go boink whoever they want, brag to their friends, become famous in Hollywood, but someone will label me a whore or a slut for it. So bring it on, I’m a slut AND I’M NOT SORRY BOUT IT. But also, if you have any single friends let me know because I want to settle down and have a relationship.
So, anyway, I’m swiping, I’m swiping – left, left, left, left, rig-left, left, right, left, right, left, left, and so on (side note: I was told recently that men swipe right to 1/10 girls. Boys, we got like 1/50 on you). BOOM I have a match. We’ll call him Parker. Parker is a nice looking guy in his 30’s, a little mysterious – literally no bio. We’re talking about how we think the other is attractive while starting to make jokes to each other, like how we’re going to make a porno (at least I thought it was a joke). After about two days of messaging on Tinder, I ask if he is ever going to ask me for my phone number. He replies, “I was going to ask you for your Snapchat…” I joked, “Ok, but you can’t have both.” He adds me on Snapchat with a dumb ass username… you think that would be my second clue. He instantly asks if he can send me inappropriate photos and I said, “sure, but I am sick and ugly right now so I can’t reciprocate.” Anyone that knows Snap knows that you can send a Snap picture that disappears after viewing, or you can send a saved picture from your phone. The first two pictures he sends me are one of him with a good Myspace angle, followed by a video of him oiling the ol’ pogo-stick. My god – he had the biggest eggplant parm I have ever seen. So, I entertain it and we start sexting – really I’m just eating popcorn and watching The Big Bang Theory while responding “ooo yeah what else” every now and then. I sent him an old pic and then some others (calm down it was over snap, they disappear)… but enough about me. Each time we spoke following this, he just wanted to sext. I mean I asked him one question – how long was your last relationship? – and he berated me and said “no. nope. we’re not doing this. you’re going to kill it and we both know this is a dirty Tinder fuck and nothing more. Let’s just admit that we’re whores for each other” Oh. Ok. Excuse the hell out of me. Dramatic. Also, one of the first things I said to him was “I’m not just here for sex” and he said “good.” Did I interpret that wrong? Did he not just confirm that we aren’t just talking for sex? Also he made it very clear that when we bump uglies he will not be using a condom even though I requested it (I know, strides). So, tbh, I backed off texting him because I wasn’t sure if I somehow signed up for a Dom service – did they already take my first month’s payment? How do I get that back? Am I actually going to be hung from the ceiling by my butt hole? Eventually he asked if I would ever be into threesomes, “not now but in the future.” “Sure,” I said because, who isn’t curious? And THE ONLY reason I kept talking to him was because he had THE BIGGEST Ballpark frank I have ever seen and, well, girl’s gotta eat. His response to my “sure” was “ok I can make it happen.” Then, god forbid I said, “what’s up.” Big mistake. Huge. He says, “so I’m kind of in a couple right now but its open.” I just said, “what does that mean?” “It means she is an option,” then sends me a pic of her. No. Nope. Hell nah. I’M A CLASSY BROAD.
TBH, I ignored that because I was hanging on to “not now but in the future.” Well, wheels started spinning in my head (I know, a rarity) and I started to think back to how this was most definitely a catfish. He had 4 photos on Tinder, 1 with a Snap filter, and no bio. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn’t have kids and he works in insurance. I asked him on multiple occasions things about his life but to no avail. Also, EVERY picture he sent me was pre-saved. Legit, it was like 10 pm and he said “I’m hard for you right now.” So I said “pic or it didn’t happen.” So he sends me a pic that was clearly taken in his mother’s dining room, sitting on her floral couch holding his willy, with light coming in through the window. He at one point asked if my mom would be interested in our porno and if we could get an old man to film us. Listen, I am into trying new things and I’ll admit, I’m a little freaky – remember, scorpio. But, damn, at this point he wasn’t even treating me like a human being but rather a walking vagina with lips – *wait*. He said:
Seriously, I have no idea what he just said to me right there. THEN HE SENT ME A GIF OF IT. FUCKING IT THE CLOWN. WTF YOU FUCKING SERIAL KILLER. I thought he was joking because he had a weird sense of humor. But instead of answering my “what” on text, he messages me on Snapchat and says that I coaxed him in under false pretenses and that I just wanted to talk to him for my social media and called me a psychopath. Then says “mwah, bye”. I’m the psychopath?! No hunny, I’m a scorpio. And guess what PARKER, you done made it on my social media you GENUINE misogynistic sociopathic catfishing motherfucker. He’s from New Jersey. I should have known that nothing good would come from that.
Listen, I am not knocking Tinder. I have had some great Tinder flings – looking at you, Kyle – even though none of them wanted to marry me and ended up blocking me. Again, *not a psychopath*. But ladies, if there is even a distant glimmer of crazy – I mean like you’re not sure if it’s a spaceship in the distance on that person’s lawn or tail lights from a truck because you’re just really high – RUN AWAY. I had many signs. I pray that my attack dog, Olivia, protects me when this creepy ass motherfucker pops out of my sink drain in the middle of the night.
For now, I’m gonna go hit up my other 4 matches and see what they’re doing.