Why I’m poor…

I took a poll on Instagram to see if my peeps wanted more home posts or life posts. Life took the win because of the mockery that it is, but I wanted to do a combination post here. I promise, my next post will be worth your while as I set out to explain the mystery that is man. However, I bought some really cute things the other day at Target and Kirkland’s and wanted to show my 3 followers. Look at my cute puppy below.

Target is crack to the common white girl. I went in the other day for hand soap and instead left with throw pillows and fake plants. I didn’t even get hand soap! It’s probably because they offer us PSLs right when we walk in the door and my DSLs cannot resist. The rest of the shopping trip went dark.

Lamp: Target. Wax warmer: Scentsy. Hello sign: Kirkland’s. Plant & basket: Marshall’s. Self-respect: lost.

The worst thing I can ever do is go to brunch and have mimosas, followed by a trip to Target. That’s when I buy all the baby/toddler clothes for my nieces and convince myself I don’t want a baby, even though my womb reaches its hand out and puts that damn set of cute ass overalls in my cart. But in all honesty, Target is the one place I don’t make a shopping list even though I SHOULD. I swear its like a mind-erasing black hole. I always try to make myself feel better by saying, “I’ll buy my groceries here so I can knock that out too.” The groceries at Target are approximately 2.5x more expensive than at a grocery store, and their produce is garbage so it ends up being a total waste of money. I can’t speak to their hand soap since I didn’t make it to that aisle. Since I spent all my money, I had to go home and eat ice cubes for dinner.

Here is what I went to Target for:

hand soap
pumpkin decor – which my Target did NOT have yet
a tan cardigan

Here is what I left Target with:

coasters
throw pillows
a shelf
other clothes
frozen pizzas & juice
hand weights (????)
fake air plants
school supplies – not even in school
storage containers
costume for my dog
a mini picnic table that holds my condiments (????)

Also, going to Target is like an extreme sport. By the time I make it out of that jungle, I get to the register drenched in sweat. It’s like 1000 degrees in there always, but it could also be the double shot of espresso in my latte that ramps up my anxiety mixed with the bright fluorescent interrogation lights, the self-confidence-killing-self-checkout camera and the pack of water bottles I picked up and put down because I couldn’t afford but who needs to use plastic like that anyway – am I rambling? I feel like I’m rambling but idk why because I just had the 3 lattes. Why is it that I look 200+ lbs in that check-out camera? Is it because I am? Because my magic mirror at home shows me looking like Cinderella at the ball and now I am confused by what’s real anymore. Oh and dodging people you know but don’t want to see or talk to so you make your way down the men’s underwear aisle to hide out but feel awkward being there so you act as if you are buying your husband new boxers but really you are just looking for ANYTHING else to do other than talk to someone. Have you seen the new Hanes comfort waist bands?

I finally sweat my way out of Target and bopped down to the other stores like Kirkland’s and Pier One to harvest my pumpkin decorations. While in these stores, I knocked over 2 lamps and 1 picture frame. Hopefully I’m not blacklisted but if anyone sees my picture hanging up, please lmk.