*In an Australian accent*
Men. One of the world’s biggest mysteries, these creatures move from point A to point B without so much as a second look, leaving destruction and confusion in their wake, never to be heard from again. Today, I’ll break down the complexities that is “the man” and try to solve this mystery for you.
The following are based on real-life events. For the privacy of all parties involved, I’ve exposed them and KARMA BITCH.
I’m not saying that women aren’t bat-shit crazy, we are. But men would be too if they had super high levels of estrogen coursing through their bodies so that their nipples are so sensitive shirts hurt and blood coming out of their vaginas when Aunt Flow mistakes the uterus as a stress ball. But that’s just what men want you to think. They do everything they can to deflect and to blame us. There must be some secret class they take throughout their youths that educate them in the art of deception. What I have learned is that men are the most oblivious to their own feelings and can’t admit anything to themselves. When women vibe with someone, they want to text them, talk to them, touch them, see them. When men catch feelings, they are out of there faster than when Scooby-Doo sees a ghost. Men, why you scared?
Here’s the thing, I think guys go into situations with the thought that they are just going to bang a chick and brag to their friends even though they likely lasted 4 seconds and don’t know how to properly pull hair or choke a girl LIKE A REAL MAN. They tell a girl everything they “want” and as soon as the girl delivers, she’s a psycho. The line “crazy ex-girlfriend” is only a deflection but I can tell you guys, we really don’t care. Yes, we hope you are miserable and die but otherwise, we really don’t care because at the end of the day, we know how to ruin your life. That probably didn’t prove my point but it’s true so watch out.
I met a nice guy that had every quality I was looking for – basically Christian Grey. I was doing my thing and dating a few people, so he told me that when I was done dating other guys, reach out to him. So I eventually did and he was feeling it. Then he stands me up on a date and totally dropped off the map. Every few weeks he hits me up. So I said “what the hell are you doing – I did everything you asked and you totally deserted me”. So he says, “I told you I wanted to be casual and you were taking this too seriously and dating other people at the same time” which I wasn’t. I’m sorry what? You want to be exclusive, but casual………. . . . . . . . . Then he changed the story and said that he didn’t want to come home from a long day of work and have to comfort me in everything that is going on in my life. This never happened, not once. Also, what is going on in my life?! Please explain. Throughout this novel of a conversation he had with me VIA TEXT, he at one point said that he was developing feelings and got scared. Then brushed right over and kept saying he wanted to be casual but I was taking it too seriously, even though he asked me to be exclusive. I don’t know what kind of salt he was sniffing but he was speaking language only a true fuckboi can translate.
There was another guy I was dating for a few months, or so I thought, and apparently he got hit by a bus and died somewhere in this relationship. He didn’t, but I hoped he had because that’s the only reasonable explanation for ghosting this nickel. We had 3 dates in the first week, I met his parents, we talked on the phone for 2 hours a day every day. It was perfect. Then boom – bus. Mind you – he was the one that called me every day and made plans for all of these dates that we were going to have. Then when I texted him a few times after he ghosted me, he said I wanted too much and he was too busy for anyone. I’m sorry, were you not the one that reached out first every time? And bitch I’m busy too – I am a grown-ass woman buying a house and I have a full-time job and I’m in grad school. I still had time for him but I guess women are better multi-taskers since we’re used to taking care of babies. I know how attractive us independent, mature-ass women are. I had told him MONTHS before my dad moved to New Hampshire that he bought a house up there and would tell him about it sometimes. One time I was even on FaceTime him when my dad called me and I said let me call you back because my dad is calling and he’s in New Hampshire. A month after my dad moves up there he said to me, “yikes, when did he decide that?” You fucktard. This is why guys suck. Then he said maybe I’m not cut out for friends with benefits. -_- NEXT.
I understand that this is making me look like a complete stage 5 clinger and that maybe I should get the hint since all feedback is the same. But I have enough evidence to confirm my hypotheses and the answer to this mystery is that guys have a severe vitamin deficiency where their brains don’t develop past the age of 16. That’s it. They’re just done absorbing knowledge, social cues, and chivalry. To all the men (man) reading this – I am not anti-man. Trust, I love me some kielbasa. We just really need to find you some help so you can stop being a skid-mark on the underwear of society and be a decent human being.
If you or someone you know is introduced to a fuckboi, please have the fuckboi reach out to the national fuckboi hotline at +1-605-475-6968.