If you haven’t heard of Nate Bargatze, you need to look him up right now. Start with his special on Netflix, “The Tennessee Kid”. He is, without a doubt, the funniest comedian that I have seen. I think I watched his special 20 times already. There is one on Comedy Central, “Full Time Magic” that is also very funny. He tells these horribly self-deprecating jokes with the straightest face imaginable. He is a slightly overweight dude, average looking, with possibly a thyroid condition because his eyes bulge out like a turtle. That’s why I would suggest watching his specials before you listen to his stand up. However, if you are in desperate need to listen over watch, he has “Full Time Magic” and “Yelled at by a Clown” on Spotify. In “The Tennessee Kid”, he talks about one time he was golfing when it was really hot out and before he drove back home, he wanted to change his shirt. He had an extra one in his trunk and changed it while he was standing back there. Just then, an old man looking for his wife in the parking lot hobbles over and goes, “Olivia?” Nate stared in awe for a minute, while trying to use his hands to cover up. He says, “I’m not sure who he offended more, her or me. There I am, a sweaty shirtless dude, at a car he doesn’t recognize, and that was a dead ringer for Olivia.”
I thought it would be a really good idea to tell you guys about just a few of my most embarrassing moments. I have ranked them in order of least to most embarrassing. Sit back and enjoy.
4. A very traumatic incident…
When I was about 10 or so, I was bored at home with just my oldest brother and his friends. They were in high school so naturally they didn’t want me hanging out with them. So there was this chest that we used as a coffee table in our living room – It was antique with a latch that would flap down for some sort of padlock (we didn’t have the padlock since it was purely decorative). We used to play hide and seek with friends and we would use that as a hiding spot. We could close the top and the latch was so old it would stay standing up since there was no lubrication. So, I was really bored one day and put myself in there – mind you, I could only fit in there in the fetal position. Well, when I shut the lid, I heard it. A “clank” that will echo in my brain for the rest of my life. I was locked in there. My brother and his friends were outside and I was left alone, waiting to die in this old ass chest. At least they wouldn’t have to pay for a coffin. At the age of 10, I thought maybe – just maybe – I was strong enough to rip free the chains that held the lid on to the hinges from the inside. I thought if I kicked and wiggled the lid enough, the latch would miraculously fly back up and I could simply walk out like Houdini. It was probably a good 20 minutes before my brother came in to use the bathroom and heard my kicking and screaming. He opened the lid and cussed at me like a sailor. Alas, I was freed. Needless to say, I was banned from my living room for the next few years and am now on anti-anxiety meds.
3. Did I do that?
When I was 16, my family went to California to attend my cousins wedding. My sister-in-law got me nice and drunk (so like, 3 drinks because I was about 90 lbs), and I had no cares in the world. I called over this cute guy, about 20 years old or so, to dance. I was having a good time. All was well until my brother started to get uncomfortable with this dude dancing with a 16 year old and asked him to back off. I’m not sure he knew I was the initiator in this situation. He definitely didn’t want to see what our high school dances looked like if that made him uncomfortable. I was very PG with him. Anyway, I moved on to the next person like nothing happened. When my family and I finally went back to the hotel for the night, I was volunteered as tribute to sleep on the cot since we didn’t have enough beds. I woke up with a raging headache and some unhappy parents. I found out that I was the source of quite a bit of drama at the wedding. Apparently, when my brother asked him to back off, my dad accompanied them outside and attempted to fight this dude. Neither my brother nor my dad are fighters. For your knowledge, this guy ended up being the groom’s cousin. I wish I knew what happened, but I don’t think any ‘bows were thrown. Ultimately, the groom asked his COUSIN to leave, even though my family is the one that made a scene. Homeboy wasn’t happy with that because he kicked in the back tail light of our rental car. Oops.
2. Thirteen years later…
This one probably wasn’t a big deal at the time, but it has stuck with me for 13 years now. I was a late bloomer in high school. For one, I had braces during the most vulnerable years of my life – freshman to junior year (thanks Mom). But also, I was late to have my first kiss, first make out, etc. There was this guy that I liked throughout high school (he was a few years older) but he had a girlfriend most of the time. Anyway, I met up with him one night during my sophomore year, and I felt like a total bad-ass meeting up with a senior. We were in the front seat of his Jeep and we moved to the back seat to make out. As I was getting on his lap, my foot got stuck under the front seat. And I don’t just mean stuck. I mean, I was planning on moving in there at that point. I was like, “This is it. This is where I live now.” I had no idea how I was going to pay the mortgage on a Jeep but it was about to be what I had to do. He had to help me pry my foot out but my shoe and sock came off in the process. I didn’t want to look like an idiot with one shoe and sock on so I took the other off. At this point, I think I was overstaying my welcome. After making out for a bit we had to search for my sock under the seat which probably only took 30 seconds but the way I remember it, we are still – to this day – searching for my sock. I was absolutely mortified…13 years later. He probably doesn’t even know/remember this happened, but the North remembers.
1. Well, shit.
Two years ago, about a year or so into my current job, I started to put on a little weight – sitting at a desk all day and constant food gatherings at work really added some extra hay to the cart. I was really feeling like I wanted to make healthier choices and try to lose a little weight. I had seen a commercial for a “weight loss assistance” pill called Alli. The way it works is it traps the fat in the foods you eat and converts it to oils, allowing your body to digest fats with ease. The instructions state to use it in combination with eating healthy, as it was not a weight loss pill – it just gives a little assistance. Well, if I were going to completely change my diet I wouldn’t need the pill. So I started making better choices and incorporated more healthy foods into my diet. I still had the occasional french fry, but any fatty or greasy foods you eat get converted into oil and, well, “slip” out of your body. I went to go use the restroom to pee at work when I smelled something…something bad. Sure enough, I had shit my pants. I was so embarrassed and had no idea how I didn’t know before I used the bathroom! I didn’t feel it or smell it until I was in the bathroom. I had to throw my underwear out at work… Thank GOD it was 4:00 so I didn’t have to suffer all day with that, even though my coworkers probably already had! I returned to my desk, commando, hoping nothing else slipped out. I stopped taking Alli immediately. I went to return the medicine to Target. When the sales associate asked if anything was wrong with it, I told her the truth. Turns out, I was not the first or the second person to return the product for the same reason! And, only after this happened, my coworkers started telling me about people they knew that took that pill and the same thing happened.
I have MANY more embarrassing moments in my arsenal, so if you’d like more, let me know. I’ll see if I can get some new ones to happen to me in the meantime. Tell your friends about me. Keep it spicy.