It’s my muh fuggin’ birthday.

It’s my birthday today. The big 2-8. To be honest, I thought I was 28 all of last year so I have officially reached an age where I can’t remember how old I am. To all my elder readers, relax. Let me have my time to dread the end of my 20’s – I know you all did. And if I hear one more person say, “Oh, I was on my second kid at your age,” or, “By your age, I was already married and starting a family,” I am going to lose it. Not that I want any kids right now or maybe ever, but that’s like telling someone to grow the fuck up and start a family. BELIEVE ME, if any man wants to settle down and marry me, point them in my direction because there sure as hell ain’t any running my way. Also in my defense, I could have had many babies by now but I have chosen to remain on birth control because babies are gross and I’d rather not ruin my perfect swimsuit body. I can’t even say those are back-handed compliments because what about those statements are complementing the person who is turning 28? I should say to them, “Great! Well, I hope I’m not dead at your age.” But the one time I said that it didn’t go over so well. Let’s reflect on my highs and lows from the past few birthdays.

Here’s an alien that escaped Area 51 on November 6, 1991.

I can honestly say I had a quarter life crisis at 25. This was the year I decided I needed to move home from Nashville. I had gone through a good portion of my savings trying to stay afloat with various part-time jobs. It reached a point where I truly didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life or where I was heading. I was the one that moved away from home when I could and tried to start a life on my own, and here I was moving back in with my parents, jobless, with no ambition. When I first thought I would move back home, I started applying for jobs in the Delaware area, to no avail. It was about 3 months after I moved back to Delaware that I finally landed something (December). During the week of my birthday, I got super sick with a horrible sinus infection, so I was on antibiotics. Has anyone ever told you antibiotics and alcohol don’t mix? Because they told me but I had to find out for myself. I didn’t get overly intoxicated… it was just like any other night out at the bar. But I sure did end up in the hospital the next morning. I was staying at a friend’s house and had to call my mom to come get me to take me to the ER at like 5:00 am – just a case of severe dehydration. After 5 hours in the waiting room and two Gatorades later, we left without ever being seen. They gave me an anti-nausea pill that made me more nauseous and charged me $300. So that was cool.

There was one highlight, however. My friends and I were at a local bar, sitting at a high-top table. The bar was pretty crowded, but with enough of my friends sitting at the table, I knew I would be able to go to the bathroom and leave my purse and jacket safely at the table. I asked my best friend, Anne, to watch my stuff, as one normally would – why do we do this? If it were me, I would never witness a stranger come up and steal my friends’ stuff without trying to stop it. Nevertheless, we have to put a disclaimer out there in case we need to prove how bad of a friend they are. Well, while I was in the lou, a girl (stranger) sat in my seat at a table of complete strangers to her and attempted to move my stuff. Anne asked her politely to move, as the seat was very clearly taken. The girl refused, so Anne got a little bit stronger-toned with her. This chick reaches across the table and slaps Anne in the face. I am so sad I was in the bathroom during this scene. When I got back and after I was filled in, I thought Anne was on her way to fight this girl. I followed, ready for anything that may ensue. We just ended up at a bouncer telling them of the situation, and the girl that was throwing ‘bows was carried out of the bar – not without reaching out to slap Anne again on her way out. Maybe an hour later, we got an Uber home and this chick had the audacity to try to get in our Uber!!! We had to tell the driver to step-on it without explaining. Anyway, I am still to this day talking about the glorious night that my best friend got slapped in the face for me.

We call this, “The Abby Face”.

I really don’t remember what I did for this birthday, so it might not have even happened.

Twenty-Eight Twenty-Seven

This was the birthday where I was like, “Ok, I’m old. We don’t really need to celebrate.” We went to the local bar, Trolley Square Oyster House, for my birthday to see my brother’s gig (Dustin & Cassidy for all those locals that are reading). It was a great performance – they played an acoustic set of top 40 music from the 90’s – today. Every basic bitch’s favorite music. I had a good turn-out as far as my friend group, but I could NOT stay awake. I was yawning and complaining the entire time and eventually, at 11:00 pm, I convinced my friends to let me go home to bed. I was the first to leave my own birthday party and I can guarantee my friends had a better time than I did. I’m not even mad about it.

This is me, on my 27th birthday, wanting to go home.

I am married now, with my second kid. LMAO, not – I am accepting applications though. This year, I feel really good about myself. I am an extremely famous blogger and Instagram influencer. I own a home and am in grad school. I have a steady career – even though its not what I want to do, I know I will get there. I have the most fantastic friends and, as you all know, I have recently awakened ~sexually~. I am feeling like a pretty great, strong, independent woman, who doesn’t need a man but also will take one. I recently got my second tattoo, so hide your moms because I am not sure I am suitable to bring home at this point. This past weekend, I celebrated my birthday with one group of friends, had SO much fun, and then attended a Halloween party in which WE WON FIRST PLACE in the costume contest!!! Check out my previous Halloween post for an update with my winning costume. Tonight, I am having dinner with my momma, and this weekend I am celebrating with my other friends. Of course, the results of this birthday could drastically change by this weekend, so I will keep you posted. Praying for at least one fight.

I did find out that I am a Scorpio sun AND moon… The signs that most everyone knows about themselves are sun signs – your outward personality. Your moon sign is your emotions and inner moods. Let’s just say, this makes a lot of sense and really explains why I identify so heavily with psychos Scorpios.

Signing off, happy birthday to me. Stay spicy.


This is me today. Still a princess with pretty good genes.

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