Can I get a hot tub?!

If I’m being honest…

I think that the reason I haven’t written in a while is because my life has been turned upside down for about a year and a half. I met someone during the pandemic and fell in love so hard. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, but ultimately it didn’t work out for various reasons. I was utterly devastated. I didn’t know I could give myself away like that since I’ve always been so independent. When it all came crashing down, I couldn’t do anything for months and I thought life would never get better. The saying, “one day at a time,” didn’t help me. I couldn’t think more than 1 minute ahead because I was so broken by it. As dramatic as it sounds, I didn’t think I could ever love again – I didn’t want to fathom the idea. Sob story aside, he is still in my life and I will always love him, but I’m learning to move on and accept reality…one day at a time. I don’t want to write about him out of respect, but also fear that I will lose him permanently. Please just know that I am doing a lot better. I went to therapy, I crawled out of my hole to try to live life a little bit, and I am now on what I think is a mutual page with this person. If he is reading this – please know that I am grateful for you and I always want you in my life.

If that was too personal and uncomfortable – well, I was going to apologize but this whole blog is personal and uncomfortable. You guys have no idea how good it feels to tell you all of that. I’ve been holding this in for a year and a half and now that I am in a better place, I feel like I can breathe a little again. This will not be the last time I write about this, I’m sure, but it is all I need to say for now.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

I can’t even believe that I forgot to tell you guys about a Tinder experience I had like 2 years ago (and yes, this was before Loverboy). I think by now you can tell I was very loose with my standards a couple years ago, especially when I moved into a house all by myself. It was liberating to just have whoever I wanted over whenever I wanted. Also, male attention was an added bonus. I had expanded my age range higher than normal – did I tell you guys about Zaddy Pilot?! If not, story for another time – up to 40. Keep in mind, I was 27 at the time and just bought my first house. So anyway, I’m swiping, swiping, swiping… I come across a 40-year-old sexy man who looked no older than 34, tops. He was into Jiu-Jitsu, so I was like okay daddy, choke me out. We start talking a lot and exchanged numbers. The dreaded green text came through and that was an instant cringe. But I thought it was only fair that I give him a chance and not judge him based on his stupid green-text phone. I also stalked this man on Facebook, as I do, and verified that he did look like the same person in those pictures. So far so good, right?

Not quite… We got to talking about what each other does, etc. He worked for a hot tub showroom. I couldn’t remember if he was the manager or possible installer of hot tubs, but one of his Facebook photos showed him in his work polo. I don’t know how that helps the story but I CAN verify that he did indeed work in a hot tub showroom. He’s telling me about his job and I’m flirting about hooking up in hot tubs and what not. He flirts back and after a couple days of texting and sexting, we talk about hanging out. I think he lived like an hour away from me in PA somewhere, and I was not about to drive an hour for some dick, so I invited him over to my house. We planned on hanging out on a Saturday but he was weirdly insistent about hanging out during the day he could be home with his dog at night. I have dogs so I was like ok, maybe he doesn’t want to leave them alone for a long time and nighttime might turn into overnight. So, this man decided that a dick appointment would be best at 2:30 pm on a Saturday. And it just kept going downhill from there…

From the moment he walked up to my door, I knew it was over before it really even got started.

Oh man. He was OLD. Like so much older in person. He dressed so bad, too. He wore one of those shirts with a hood that is not a sweatshirt but its more than a shirt. The strings were all fucked up. His pants were gray-wash. He had all black, non-slip sneakers on and Guy Fieri sunglasses on the back of his head. His voice was so high-pitched (PSA: always talk on the phone before meeting someone in person). He asked to use my bathroom about 5 minutes after arriving. He was in there for a hot minute. That man took a shit. He shit in my bathroom. I know this because I heard him adjust the squatty potty and when he came out, the smell did too. I was horrified. He came back and sat down next to me on the couch. Here we were, sitting side-by-side, post-shit. His hands were gross and weird (nails not taken care of) and I kid you not – he tried to sell me a hot tub the whole time. His big brag was that Carson Wentz bought a hot tub from his store in PA. Okay bro, I live in a townhouse in the city – my backyard is the size of a hot tub… I can’t afford groceries after moving here but you think I can buy a hot tub?! I can’t knock is hustle but I excused myself to go get another drink so I could work on a subject change.

THANK GOD FOR BEST FRIENDS WHO DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.

I texted Anne and said “Mom, call me. You fell down the stairs”. So “Mom” calls me within seconds and starts freaking out. She fell and can’t get up. I tried to push back saying, “I’m busy call Adam,” like the good daughter I am. “Adam” instantaneously called me and said he can’t get to Mom right now and I was the only one that could. The second I hung up, that guy left my house so quick, I couldn’t even explain how crazy the situation was or apologize for the timing. He knew. He knew. In total, he was probably at my house 15 minutes. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even get drunk enough to do it. He drove an hour to my house and the second that phone rang he knew it was over. Never heard from him again. It took me a few days to get over the guilt I had about doing that, but then I just think about him and shiver. I couldn’t do it.  Writing this is making me relive it and I am traumatized.

All of the details in this story are extremely true. I know some of you are probably thinking “OMG! What if he reads this?!”. But we knew each other via text for all of 4 days 2 years ago and I’m pretty sure that man doesn’t subscribe to my blog. Also, if you don’t want to be written about, don’t date me. This blog ain’t a secret and I got men lining up to be written about… No, I really don’t but in my mind, there’s a line. Plus, he’s what, 43/44 now? I don’t know if they have internet like that in nursing homes…

Moral of the story – I’m back. Zaddy Pilot coming up next…

Aight homies. Stay spicy.